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As Daniel Jones, author of Love Illuminated, explains: we spend our youth asking How do I find love? and midlife asking How d...

本文摘要:As Daniel Jones, author of Love Illuminated, explains: we spend our youth asking How do I find love? and midlife asking How do I get it back?《启蒙运动的爱》的作者丹尼尔·琼斯(Daniel Jones)说道:“年长的时候,我们总是在问‘我怎样才能寻找真为爱人’?

As Daniel Jones, author of Love Illuminated, explains: we spend our youth asking How do I find love? and midlife asking How do I get it back?《启蒙运动的爱》的作者丹尼尔·琼斯(Daniel Jones)说道:“年长的时候,我们总是在问‘我怎样才能寻找真为爱人’?到了中年,我们又不会回答‘我怎样才能寻回爱人’?”Anyone in a relationship or who plans on being in one needs to know how to keep love alive over the long term. But how do you learn the secret to this? Everyone is happy to explain how they met but few give the details on how they stayed together.爱情中或者打算爱情的人必须理解怎样才能让爱人长期保持生动。但你又怎么告诉其中的奥妙呢?人人都乐意描写“和爱人遇见的过程”,但却完全没人会精细地叙述“两人是怎样在一起”的。

So lets look at what science has to say.那么我们来想到科学的说明。Happily ever after aint easy“幸福相见到杨家”并非易事Aside from being the epitome of lazy writing, happily ever after is not simple.除非是随口说说,否则“幸福相见到杨家”并不更容易。

Ty Tashiro explains that couples in their first year of mrriages score 86 percent for marriage satisfaction. By the seventh year, its under 50 percent.泰·田代(Ty Tashiro)说明说道,夫妻在成婚的第一年对婚姻的满意度是86%。而到了第七年,满意度之后不多达50%。

Yes, about 50 percent of couples get divorced. Another 10-15 percent separate but do not file paperwork. And 7 more percent are chronically unhappy.的确如此,有半数的夫妻最后都以再婚收场。另有10%—15%的夫妻不会采行离婚的方式,但却不不愿签订再婚协议。而有7%的夫妻长年过着不快乐的生活。So the real stat is two-thirds of marriages do not live happily ever after.因此,现实的情况是有三分之二的婚姻都会“幸福到杨家”。

The divorce rate often reported by the media is 50 percent, which is based on Census Bureau data. However, census data does not capture the 10 to 15 percent of couples who permanently separate but do not file formal paperwork for a legal divorce. This means that a conservative estimate of the divorce and permanent separation rate is 60 percent. Add the additional 7 percent of chronically unhappy couples who do not divorce or permanently separate but are consistently unhappy in their marriage, and this means that two-thirds of all married couples do not live happily ever after.根据人口统计局的数据,媒体常常报导的离婚率是50%。但事实上,统计局的数据并没将离婚而一直因未签订月的协议而合法再婚的10%—15%计算出来在内。这就意味著,激进来讲,再婚及永久离婚亲率是60%。

而额外7%的夫妻既没再婚,也没长年离婚,而是长年正处于不快乐状态。也就是说,有三分之二的夫妻都没幸福地生活到杨家。Why is marriage so hard over the long term?为什么想持久地保持婚姻如此之无以?One of the main reasons is what science calls it habituation. Which is a fancy way of saying we get bored.原因之一就是科学家所谓的“习惯化”。

也就是我们经常说道的“对彼此感到疲倦了”。Early on, when a couple can finish each others sentences its romantic. But over time predictable is a huge negative.从前,如果一个人需要讲出伴侣没有听完的话,那乃是一件爱情的事。

但随着时间的流逝,这种“预测”变为了很大的驳斥。Chris Rock gets the point across humorously in this video (NSFW):基思·洛克(Chris Rock)诙谐地在他的节目中说明了这一点。Robert Greene, author of The Art of Seduction, explains that surprise is key to romantic feelings:《欲望的艺术》一书的作者罗伯特·格林(Robert Greene)说道,惊艳是生产爱情的关键。

Seduction involves a degree of surprise, which is generally the first thing that disappears after youve been in a relationship, and why theres no more seducing that goes on. Everything is familiar and youre no longer surprised by the other person. [The Art of Seduction]欲望也所含惊艳的味道,一般来说情况下,这是爱情后第一个消失的东西,也是会再有欲望的感觉的原因。一切都显得如此熟知,你也再行会从对方那里获得惊艳。

So is there any way to bring those tingles back?那么否有办法可以寻回那些东西呢?Yes. Heres how.是的,这样做到。What you can learn from arranged marriages从包办婚姻中学到的东西Arranged marriage! AGH! Weird!“包办婚姻!感叹不可理喻!”Hold on a sec. We can learn something here. What do researchers find when they compare at 50 arranged marriages and 50 love marriages?等一下。我们可以从中学到些什么。

研究人员对比了50对包办婚姻的夫妻和50对自由恋爱的夫妻,那么他们有什么找到呢?Love marriages start out happier — but that declines quickly.自由恋爱的婚姻在开始的时候都是幸福的——但是这种幸福迅速就不会过去。Arranged marriages start out less happy, but after 10 years, theyre happier than love marriages. And stay that way.包办婚姻的夫妻开始的时候不是很快乐,但十年以后,他们不会比自由恋爱的夫妻还要幸福,并不会仍然持续这种状态。The couples who had married for love and been together less than a year averaged a score of 70 points out of a possible 91 on the love scale, but these numbers steadily fell over time. The love couples who had been married ten years or longer had an average score of only 40 points. In contrast, the couples in arranged marriages were less in love at the outset, averaging 58 points, but their feelings increased over time to an average score of 68 at the ten or more years mark.因爱情成婚,在一起将近一年时间的夫妻平均值分数是70分,但这些数据不会大幅递增。那些以爱之名成婚,并在一起十年甚至更加幸的夫妻获得40分。

相比之下,包办婚姻的比例在最初时间里较较少,平均值58分,但他们之间的感情随着时间渐渐变浓,十年或多达十年之时,平均值获得68分。Whats the secret behind the long term success of arranged marriages?从长远看,包办婚姻之所以需要顺利的秘诀又是什么呢?They have to work at it.他们必须经营婚姻。

They dont passively rely on magic and intense emotion. They have to spend a lot of time thinking about how to make it work.他们会被动地坚信“奇迹”或者激情。他们必须花费很长时间思维怎么样让自己的婚姻持续下去。That process of discovery is ostensibly the fun of courtship, too, except that in arranged marriage the goal is to figure out how to be married, not whether to marry.找到其中奥妙的过程从表面上看也是一种示爱的过程。

除了在包办婚姻中,主要的目的是弄清楚怎样经营婚姻,而不是要不要成婚。Research shows expecting a fairy tale relationship is a prescription for disappointment.研究表明对童话故事般爱情的憧憬不会造成沮丧。Elements of fairy tales such as Cinderella were present in 78 percent of peoples beliefs about romantic love. Those people were more likely to have experienced disillusionment, devastation, and angst in their relationships than were those who gave less credence to fairy tales.有78%的人在竖立爱情的信仰中都会经常出现像灰姑娘这样的童话故事元素。这些人比不坚信童话故事的人更容易在爱情中经历释怀、废弃以及情绪。

Feeling like its all magic means its out of your control — and that without that initial magic, its hopeless.如果把爱情几乎看作是奇迹,意味著它是不高效率的——但如果最初就没奇迹可言,那也就不抱着期望了。The happiness of arranged marriages means a couple can make magic if they try.包办婚姻的快乐意味著夫妻二人可以希望去建构奇迹。So you need to actively keep the marriage happy. How do you do that?也就是说你必须大力地让婚姻维持生动。怎么做呢?Dont fix the bad. Increase the good.别去缺失缺失,去建构幸福。

Look at your spouse as something you purchased as-is. Research shows trying to change themdoesnt work:将你的伴侣视作“就是这样的人”。研究表明试着转变他们显然无济于事。

When participants focused their relationship improvement attempts on changing the partner, individuals reported more negative improvement strategies, lower improvement success, and, in turn, more negative relationship evaluations. Results suggest that targeting the partner may do more harm than good despite that relationship evaluations pivot on whether the partner produces change.当参与者试着用转变对方的方法来增进感情时,每个人都回应这是种消极的方法,成功率很低。结果,这种消极的方法造成对方更容易作出损害自己的事情,尽管评估报告是随着其中一方转变而转变的。

John Gottman, researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says 69 percent of a couples problems are perpetual. These problems dont go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year.《婚姻七定律》的作者及研究人员约翰·低特曼(John Gottman)称之为,夫妻间69%的问题都是永久性的。这些问题会消失,所以很多夫妻都会不时地为其争辩下去。

Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each others mind – but it cant be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work]大多数夫妻间的争辩都是不了解决问题。夫妻二人年复一年地试着转变对方的点子——但这是不有可能的。这是因为大多数争辩都植根于各自基本生活方式、人格或者价值观的有所不同。

为这些不同之处争论不休,他们不能浪费各自的时间并损害他们的婚姻。So if you cant change them and they wont change you, how can you reduce the bad stuff?如果你们无法彼此转变,又怎样增加争辩呢?You cant. But you dont need to.答案是不了增加争辩。因为你显然不必须这样做到。The best relationships are more about increasing the good than reducing the bad.最篮的婚姻是多去建构幸福的事,而不是试着解决问题争辩。

Divorce may have less to do with an increase in conflict and more to do with a decrease in positive feelings.再婚跟相互间争吵的激增没有过于大关系,但却与增加大力的情感关系密切。Shelly Gable, professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, has demonstrated that how you celebrate is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight.圣巴巴拉市加利福尼亚大学的心理学教授谢莉·垫布尔(Shelly Gable)回应公开发表了自己的观点:庆典比争吵更加有助强化两人的感情。

Okay, so you need to increase the good times. Whats the best way to do that?好了,你必须多去做到些幸福的事情。那么要怎样做到才好呢?(This part is exciting. I mean, literally.)(这部分令人兴奋)Forget romance. Think excitement.别再行想要什么爱情了,想象激动的事情。Think a pleasant date night is all it takes to keep love alive?一个幸福的约会夜晚否就能让爱人维持生动呢?Researchers did a 10 week study comparing couples that engaged in pleasant activities vs exciting activities. Pleasant lost.研究人员展开了10周的研究以对比“幸福的”约会和“激动的”约会,“幸福”没有能战胜“激动”。

Those who had undertaken the exciting date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the pleasant date night group…相比之下,经历过“令人兴奋的”约会之夜的人对夫妻关系展现出出有了更大的满意度。Why would doing anything exciting have such a big effect on a relationship?为什么“维持激动”不会对爱情关系产生如此大的影响呢?Because were lousy about realizing where our feelings are coming from.因为我们并不擅于找寻激动感的来源。

Excitement from any source will be associated with the person youre with, even if theyre not the cause of it.即使激动感觉并非由我们的伴侣引发,我们也不会这样指出。As happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky explains, excitement experienced mutually brings the tingles back.正如幸福感研究院索尼娅·柳波米尔斯恩(Sonja Lyubomirsky)所说,联合感觉到的激动不会让爱人人们寻回爱情的感觉。Whether the couples were only dating or long-married, the ones who did the shared novel activity were more likely than the ones who did the shared neutral activity to agree to statements like I feel happy when I am doing something to make my partner happy and I feel tingling and an increased heartbeat when I think of my partner after the activity than before.不论是正在约会还是成婚多年的情侣,那些一起做到新奇的事情的情侣比那些做到沉闷的事情的情侣更加尊重这样的众说纷纭:“当我做到一些让对方幸福的事时,我也深感很幸福”以及“我想起对方时会深感‘悸动’,‘心跳加快’”。

So no boring, lame date nights. Go do something exciting. Go dancing together or anything else you can both participate in as a couple.所以别让约会显得枯燥乏味。去做到一些性刺激的事情。

一起唱歌或者任何你们可以作为情侣联合参予的事。Sum up总结Keeping love alive can be tricky. You need to actively work at it and its more important to increase the good then to reduce the bad.让爱人维持新鲜也是必须花心思的。

你必须大力地去应付,而且相比避免缺失,建构幸福更为重要。And the best way to do that is by increasing excitement.最差的方式就是减少激动感觉。So youre hopping on roller coasters and going white water rafting — but what do you need to do when youre there?所以你在想要过山车或者去跪冰筏子——但你到了那之后必须做到什么呢?Pretend youre on your first date.假装自己正在展开第一次约会。Studies show pretending time with a romantic partner was a first date makes it more enjoyable for you and for your partner:研究表明,无论是对你还是你的伴侣来说,同一个爱情的人相聚时光都是一种享用。

Across a series of studies, participants underestimated how good they would feel in situations that required them to put their best face forward… participants who were instructed to engage in self-presentation felt happier after interacting with their romantic partner than participants who were not given this instruction…一系列研究指出,参与者们高估了自我展出能给自己带给的幸福。展现出自己最差的一面并与爱情伴侣对话的参与者比缺乏自我展出的参与者更加幸福。Why? On first dates we make an effort to impress. And were full of hope.为什么?因为如果第一次约会就印象深刻印象,人们就不会回应充满希望。Love means being a little delusional (Some researchers even think love might qualify as a mental illness.)爱人必须一些病态(一些研究人员甚至指出爱人或许是一种精神疾病)。

Thinking your partner is better than they really are makes for longer, better relationships.坚信你的伴侣比实质上更佳有助让你们的关系更加持久。更加幸福。Sandra Murray and her colleagues have been studying romantic relationships now for several decades, and have found that idealising ones partner is a sure recipe for marital success; moreover, the higher ones ideals are and the more one idealises ones partner, the more satisfied one is with the relationship – and the longer it is likely to last.桑德拉·莫里(Sandra Murray)和他的同事已对婚姻问题研究了数年,找到将伴侣理想化的确是经营一个顺利婚姻的良方。

此外,一个人心目中的理想情人就越极致,就越是不会将伴侣理想化,对自己的感情也不会深感就越失望——持续的时间也就就越宽。Letting yourself be a little crazy — crazy for your partner — pays off.让自己可怕一下——为你的另一半——不会有报酬的。




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